Friday, 15 January 2010

Today will pass, I hope it hurries up

Today I am unravelled and upset, and I don't really know why. I know where it's come from, but I'm not sure what it is exactly. Partly it is not feeling respected.

I have no idea what to do with it.

My morning has been a write off. I am tearful and pissed off and frustrated and wondering if I will ever be able to make this better, or if I should give up trying and accept that it is what is and I that I'm not going to move forward from here.

I am tired of being angry. I am tired of fighting to keep my head above water. Most days are not like this, but this one is. Pressure builds and must, from time to time, be released. 

I do not want to be told how I should feel or think.

I just want to be loved and cared for. I want a hug. There is no one to give me a hug, and no one to ask me how my day is, how I am, and let me cry, make me safe until I've let it all go and I'm ok. I have to do this for myself. And I will try.

I will just have to pick myself up, dust myself off and carry on. I need to focus. I know I shouldn't, I know I should go with this and allow myself just to feel and 'be' whatever comes along, but that's not going to get my work done and pay the bills. I can't take a sick day because I earn my money by the day. My time is billable. Clients and deadlines.

I won't give up, I will keep fighting, keep trying because I have to. I can't go back to where I was, but right now the slope feels very slippery indeed.


  1. Just wanted to say that I know what a horrible feeling it is to try and act normal when it feels like someone has come along and shaken up your snow globe and you can't get your balance or see or think straight for all the fake snow swirling around and you just want to "be with it" until it all settles down again, but you can't and then wondering if it will ever settle, and if its always going to be this hard.

    Sounds like you know this, but as someone who has dealt with similar feelings, I just wanted to delurk to say it will settle and it won't always be this hard. It may take a while, (it did for me), but it will get easier to handle.

    Virtual, internet-dispensed hug.

  2. Thank you. I like the snow globe analogy and I very much appreciate your words. Hugs always welcomed, virtal or otherwise.