I hate that I sometimes react wholly inappropriately to small things. Sometimes a button is pressed and off I go.
Yesterday a friend made a perfectly reasonable observation about something, and off I went. Instead of taking the comment as it was intended I ran off in a completely different direction with it. At least inthis occasion I was tearful rather than anything else.
I can be overwhelmed by the strength of my feelings sometimes, my reactions shock me. Sometimes I am just numb. At least now I have the ability to take a step back, understand that I am reacting not to what has just happened but to a lifetime of experiences. And I can hold my hands up and say sorry, explain a bit.
I'm better at sharing what I'm feeling rather than defending myself from a imagined enemy, or withdrawing.
I hate it. When I'm on a low ebb I'll fight back when actually what I need is a hug and a listening ear. I just don't know how to ask for that. Sometimes I just need a bit of reassurance, to know that I'm cared for and that it is only a passing storm.
It's getting better, and will continue to do so, but I'm not there yet.
It helps me to have people in my life that can in fact see I am in a defensive place only for self preservation and that I really need tenderness.
ReplyDeleteThanks Jennifer, those who do recognise it are very precious.
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