Sometimes I just can't get a grip on the self destructive part of me. The part of me that feels hideous, worthless, useless, ugly and stupid. I know these things are not true but it all feels very real when it happens.
The negative bit of me overwhelms the rest, and even though I know it is the evil depressed anxious feelings that are getting in the way, I struggle to take a side step. I hate it. It leaves me angry at myself and everyone else and exhausted. Will I ever just be ok?
"There's no problem so bad, it can't be made worse by guilt" Calvin & Hobbes, I think...
ReplyDeletePart of the problem of Depression is the feeling like shite, but what makes it 100 times worse is the self loathing and despising that we feel that way.
We can't just feel bad, we have to feel bad about feeling bad. And does that make it OK? Well, of course not.
You probably know I've had on-off battles with Depression for most of my adult life. But I have to say the best approach I've ever read is via this book The Mindful Way Through Depression: Freeing Yourself from Chronic Unhappiness.
Beg, borrow, steal or even buy a copy of this
I bet you will. Because as much as it sucks, you're still trying. You're working on it and meeting it all head on and it doesn't stand a chance in the face of that. For me, it seems that this stuff goes in cycles. When I have a really good period, I crash soon after. Its just that, after many years, the impact of the crash has lessened and now feels manageable.
ReplyDeleteThe important thing, as Kim said, is to be sure to really acknowledge those good days, try not to discount them or blame yourself for messing them up. Eventually they will gain the upper hand.
I'm sorry you're having a bad time.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteI wish I could say something more meaningful, but thank you for reading and taking time to commennt. I'll get there, but nice to know i'm not alone x
ReplyDelete