Sunday, 31 January 2010

I'm ashamed and sorry when I can't take a step back

Friday and yesterday were wonderful days. Amazing music, oysters and art in Edinburgh, lots of chat and fun. I ruined it all. Well, I say 'I', I mean the me that is haunted by a black cloud which showers thunder and lightening all over everything at the worst moments.

'You like sausages.'

'No, I don't.'

Yes, you do.'

Sems like a ridiculous exchange? Change some of the words and it's all too common. What we like or don't is up to us, and no matter how much convincing someone else may try to do otherwise, they can't make us like something we don't. Same goes with our feelings.

I snapped at someone last night because I was being told my feelings were wrong. I was already on edge because I was aware that I had irritated him a couple of times during the day. I was being defensive.

This was the beginning of a horrible episode. I behaved excessively because I felt judged. We were playing out old ways of fighting from our time as a couple. I ended up in his arms, weeping and crying over all that consumes me when clouds come, the old 'no one will ever love me' self pitying ridiculous routine.

Horrible, embarrassing, believed at the time.

He is kind and patient.

He tells me I don't tell him how things are, that I brush him off. I do this because he avoids the serious, or deep and meaningful, so I never really know what he feels about anything until we're in the middle of an argument or difficult conversation. It's not a good place to be. It makes me so sad because there is so much we share, but being able to communicate about the hard stuff is not one of those things. Perhaps one day we will learn. I hope so.

Today I just want to hide, but I force myself up and out. I do my best to smile and chat. I tell a friend I am not ok. At least I'm learning to ask for help.

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