Friday, 1 January 2010

Buttons and explosions

I hate that I sometimes react wholly inappropriately to small things. Sometimes a button is pressed and off I go.

Yesterday a friend made a perfectly reasonable observation about something, and off I went. Instead of taking the comment as it was intended I ran off in a completely different direction with it. At least inthis occasion I was tearful rather than anything else.

I can be overwhelmed by the strength of my feelings sometimes, my reactions shock me. Sometimes I am just numb.  At least now I have the ability to take a step back, understand that I am reacting not to what has just happened but to a lifetime of experiences. And I can hold my hands up and say sorry, explain a bit.

I'm better at sharing what I'm feeling rather than defending myself from a imagined enemy, or withdrawing.

I hate it. When I'm on a low ebb I'll fight back when actually what I need is a hug and a listening ear. I just don't know how to ask for that. Sometimes I just need a bit of reassurance, to know that I'm cared for and that it is only a passing storm.

It's getting better, and will continue to do so, but I'm not there yet.


  1. It helps me to have people in my life that can in fact see I am in a defensive place only for self preservation and that I really need tenderness.

  2. Thanks Jennifer, those who do recognise it are very precious.