I'm shattered after the fortnight from hell.
Huge work deadlines, continuing saga of the sister's grumpy boyfriend impacting the rest of the family now and has us arguing rather than supporting each other. The exhausted me hasn't helped the situation at all and compounds all my fears and insecurities.
Big day today in getting work moved forward, presentations etc. I feel like I've been on some crazy job interview. The rational me knows I'm good at what I do. The tired emotional me feels like a fraud and is terrified of everything falling to pieces. Doubting myself and my abilities.
Even the fun stuff feels like hard work and I'm longing for the security of having an employer whilst knowing the freedom of the freelance life makes me happier.
I can't think straight or take an objective view. It all feels like it's my fault (whatever 'it' is), that I'm not good enough. The devil on my shoulder is shouting way louder than the angel can compete with.
I know it will pass. I know it will be OK. But tonight? I'm not OK. Maybe I just need to write it out of my system.
Tuesday, 23 March 2010
Monday, 15 March 2010
UK vs US Dating Etiquette continued.....
Well, I'm off out o a date with a second man in less than a month. This is a whole new thing for me - just trying and testing out different models! Seems I am learning from our American cousins.
It all feels very un-British, but why not? I usually take these things far more seriously but it appears that there's something in the air at the moment.
Maybe I need to develop some kind of scoring system....ooh, what an awful thought!
Having said that, it's good to get out and meet new people, learn to say 'thank you' to compliments, enjoy different conversation and challenge myself a little and discover that there are some good people out there.
Maybe the Americans have got it sussed after all....ask me on Thursday! Candidate 2 – bald human rights lawyer. Excellent.
It all feels very un-British, but why not? I usually take these things far more seriously but it appears that there's something in the air at the moment.
Maybe I need to develop some kind of scoring system....ooh, what an awful thought!
Having said that, it's good to get out and meet new people, learn to say 'thank you' to compliments, enjoy different conversation and challenge myself a little and discover that there are some good people out there.
Maybe the Americans have got it sussed after all....ask me on Thursday! Candidate 2 – bald human rights lawyer. Excellent.
Tuesday, 9 March 2010
Faces and optical illusions
Kim's recent post Are you scared of your face? has got me reflecting on my own visage, image, whatever. I have been following the comments with interest and there is huge variation in responses; some realistic and accepting, some unsure and self conscious, some curious and so on.
The years are written on my face. I know this. There are lines beginning to make themselves more present, creases of laughter and frowns. Which is more recognised in my face by the rest of the world?
When I look in the mirror I see the scar from a broken nose, the drier skin and beginning to age neck, eyes that are searching for signs of hope or beauty and instead wondering what was there before.
Sometimes, rarely, I catch myself in the mirror and think 'You look ok. Smile.'
Photographs show me 'me', but this is not who I see. I see the little untidy girl who cannot smile properly because of once crooked and damaged teeth. I see a little girl who wanted to be pretty and knows she is not.
I have no idea how others see me, would I want to know? Yes, perhaps I would.
I would like to understand how I appear to others. I would like to see me as I am. I would like an image of me that I see as real and true of both the physical and emotional, and perhaps celebrates. I would like to find the joy and depth in my face.
Can I, will I? Can any of us?
The years are written on my face. I know this. There are lines beginning to make themselves more present, creases of laughter and frowns. Which is more recognised in my face by the rest of the world?
When I look in the mirror I see the scar from a broken nose, the drier skin and beginning to age neck, eyes that are searching for signs of hope or beauty and instead wondering what was there before.
Sometimes, rarely, I catch myself in the mirror and think 'You look ok. Smile.'
Photographs show me 'me', but this is not who I see. I see the little untidy girl who cannot smile properly because of once crooked and damaged teeth. I see a little girl who wanted to be pretty and knows she is not.
I have no idea how others see me, would I want to know? Yes, perhaps I would.
I would like to understand how I appear to others. I would like to see me as I am. I would like an image of me that I see as real and true of both the physical and emotional, and perhaps celebrates. I would like to find the joy and depth in my face.
Can I, will I? Can any of us?
A day when the worms are winning....
Today is not a good day. An early morning counselling session has left me struggling.
Over the past few weeks we've been reviewing everything from the beginning, in order to figure what still needs to be faced, head on, no putting it off, plan of action required.
I've looked at the lists, heard words that I wrote at the beginning and I know that I've moved on from. I recognise them but feel differently now. I've achieved a huge amount. But....today's 'to do' list is hard. It's the stuff that has held me back always, and will be the hardest to confront.
It reminds of my greatest fears.
It's a day when I feel that I deserve nothing and that I know that I don't know how to accept kindness or love. A day that I will look at anyone who's offering their support and think that they are are mad.
I am sad and scared.
It's the stuff that I'm scared to dream about or want for my future, because it all feels so very far away and I know how much work I have to do to get there. I will do it.
Today I am glad I'm here on my own because I suspect if someone said the wrong thing, tried to be too nice to me or told me how to feel, or pressed an old button I would probably push them away, cry or scream.
It's a day when someone could easily be a target for all my hurt, anger and fear. It's a day when I all really need is a hug and to be listened to and to feel safe.
It's a day when someone would have to be hugely patient, and see past the ugly words and know that they are looking at a hurt little girl.
It's a day when I must do this for myself.
I have too much work to do and I can't concentrate. I will try. I must.
Over the past few weeks we've been reviewing everything from the beginning, in order to figure what still needs to be faced, head on, no putting it off, plan of action required.
I've looked at the lists, heard words that I wrote at the beginning and I know that I've moved on from. I recognise them but feel differently now. I've achieved a huge amount. But....today's 'to do' list is hard. It's the stuff that has held me back always, and will be the hardest to confront.
It reminds of my greatest fears.
It's a day when I feel that I deserve nothing and that I know that I don't know how to accept kindness or love. A day that I will look at anyone who's offering their support and think that they are are mad.
I am sad and scared.
It's the stuff that I'm scared to dream about or want for my future, because it all feels so very far away and I know how much work I have to do to get there. I will do it.
Today I am glad I'm here on my own because I suspect if someone said the wrong thing, tried to be too nice to me or told me how to feel, or pressed an old button I would probably push them away, cry or scream.
It's a day when someone could easily be a target for all my hurt, anger and fear. It's a day when I all really need is a hug and to be listened to and to feel safe.
It's a day when someone would have to be hugely patient, and see past the ugly words and know that they are looking at a hurt little girl.
It's a day when I must do this for myself.
I have too much work to do and I can't concentrate. I will try. I must.
Sunday, 7 March 2010
Uk vs US - Dating Dos and Don'ts.....
Being a single 30 something girl can be an interesting exercise at times! What I've been wondering though is if our American cousins have a much healthier attitude to the whole dating game than we Brits do?
It seems normal in the US to date more than one person at a time until a situation becomes exclusive, but the idea of doing the same here seems inappropriate and a big cultural difference. Guys don't just ask girls out as a routine thing. If we were seeing more than one person at a time, it would be slightly frowned upon. However, I think there has to be a benefit to this.
It would stop us getting to hung up on one person until we knew them better, and then a decision could be made before leaping into exclusivity. The idea of seeing multiple men would give choice, balance and perspective. I think we put too much pressure on ourselves and others, following rules that often don't make much sense but are part of the 'etiquette'. There will always be an expectation of exclusivity without even considering if that's what we want, and how many opportunuties are missed because we're less honest, forward and open to exploring the options? What can we learn from our cousins across the pond? What are the pros and cons? Is one way easier than another? I don't know.
I think it'll always be a challenge and a gamble no matter the geography.
It seems normal in the US to date more than one person at a time until a situation becomes exclusive, but the idea of doing the same here seems inappropriate and a big cultural difference. Guys don't just ask girls out as a routine thing. If we were seeing more than one person at a time, it would be slightly frowned upon. However, I think there has to be a benefit to this.
It would stop us getting to hung up on one person until we knew them better, and then a decision could be made before leaping into exclusivity. The idea of seeing multiple men would give choice, balance and perspective. I think we put too much pressure on ourselves and others, following rules that often don't make much sense but are part of the 'etiquette'. There will always be an expectation of exclusivity without even considering if that's what we want, and how many opportunuties are missed because we're less honest, forward and open to exploring the options? What can we learn from our cousins across the pond? What are the pros and cons? Is one way easier than another? I don't know.
I think it'll always be a challenge and a gamble no matter the geography.
Friday, 26 February 2010
An Accidental Thief?
Yesterday evening I went to the supermarket to shop for tonight's dinner party. I was starving! Shopping on an empty stomach is never a good thing.
As I wandered past the deli counter, I spotted the macaroni pies and ordered one.
The macaroni pie is a strange Scottish delicacy. Even more weirdly, it seems the that Trinidadians eat a variation of them too. For those of you who've never heard of this wonderful creation, I thought a picture might be useful, but they're essentially macaroni cheese in pastry. They're also a terrible reflection on our nation's diet....
Anyway, I was so hungry I thought 'I'll just east this now and scan the label when I get to the check out'. The thing is, I can't remember if I put the bag and label in with all my other shopping when I reached the till. If I didn't, where did it go? Did the cashier scan it and bin the wrapper? It certainly didn't come home with me and I didn't keep the receipt. Perhaps I paid, perhaps I didn't.
If I didn't, do I feel guilty for underpaying an international corporation whose pockets I line every week? Part of me does, morally it is wrong. Then I think, with a global turnover of figures so large they are beyond comprehension, I don't think the shareholders will miss 75p.....
They probably don't even know the macaroni pie exists!
As I wandered past the deli counter, I spotted the macaroni pies and ordered one.
The macaroni pie is a strange Scottish delicacy. Even more weirdly, it seems the that Trinidadians eat a variation of them too. For those of you who've never heard of this wonderful creation, I thought a picture might be useful, but they're essentially macaroni cheese in pastry. They're also a terrible reflection on our nation's diet....
Anyway, I was so hungry I thought 'I'll just east this now and scan the label when I get to the check out'. The thing is, I can't remember if I put the bag and label in with all my other shopping when I reached the till. If I didn't, where did it go? Did the cashier scan it and bin the wrapper? It certainly didn't come home with me and I didn't keep the receipt. Perhaps I paid, perhaps I didn't.
If I didn't, do I feel guilty for underpaying an international corporation whose pockets I line every week? Part of me does, morally it is wrong. Then I think, with a global turnover of figures so large they are beyond comprehension, I don't think the shareholders will miss 75p.....
They probably don't even know the macaroni pie exists!
Tuesday, 23 February 2010
Boys, nerves and outings
Hmmmmm..........
I have a date tomorrow night.
I am nervous and excited . As nervous and excited as I was in preparation for the first of these such outings, probably about twenty years ago? In those days the thought of holding hands in the cinema, the thrill of a sneaky cigarette and a good night kiss could have my mind racing for days.
Still, I am wondering what we'll talk about, what I will wear, will he like me?
This time, however, it'll be red wine, dinner, civilised chat and the rose tinted glasses have been long ago discarded. I think the thing the most makes me nervous is my uncanny knack of choosing inappropriate or unsuitable men. How do I spot those red flags before I find myself in another situation that's all wrong for me, or accept it could be right?
Arghh!
I have a date tomorrow night.
I am nervous and excited . As nervous and excited as I was in preparation for the first of these such outings, probably about twenty years ago? In those days the thought of holding hands in the cinema, the thrill of a sneaky cigarette and a good night kiss could have my mind racing for days.
Still, I am wondering what we'll talk about, what I will wear, will he like me?
This time, however, it'll be red wine, dinner, civilised chat and the rose tinted glasses have been long ago discarded. I think the thing the most makes me nervous is my uncanny knack of choosing inappropriate or unsuitable men. How do I spot those red flags before I find myself in another situation that's all wrong for me, or accept it could be right?
Arghh!
Tuesday, 16 February 2010
Letting go of the old list
When I was in my teens, choosing subjects at school, I began to imagine what my life would be. How on earth was I to know whether I wanted to be a doctor, a hairdresser or a plumber when I knew very little of the world beyond my little all girls school?
But there we go. We are expected to be able to predict what will make us happy in the future and set ourselves a course through life. It's a bit like sticking a pin in a map.
Somewhere along the way a plan emerged that looked something like this....
Leave school
Go to University
Work for a while, and achieve some things
Get married at 30
Kids at 35
I achieved the first two, but dropped out of an architecture degree at 20 and had to start another course. Not going to uni was not considered to be an option, and my mother enrolled me in my second degree course.
The third is a work in progress, and I have done well so far. My own business, a professional qualification, work that makes a difference, much satisfaction – all in a career I didn't even know existed ten years ago. I started out in the art world, lost my job in a company takeover and changed tack completely but it's worked out well.
And the last two? Who knows if those things will ever happen for me?
The nice thing about reaching the upper age limit on my list is that it can now be discarded. It's never been a rigid thing but has somehow lurked in the back of my mind over the years. Until recently, I had never considered what I was going to do past 35 or if I didn't have kids. I still don't know.
What I do know is that I can just get on with living my life without conforming to any agenda that was expected of me, I've been nagged about it often and it has made me feel like a failure on occasion. My mother and society have the ability to make a girl feel rotten about her status in the world. I know I can ignore it, but if someone asks you often enough about your lack of husband or passes opinion frequently, some of the doubts will sink in.
I will move onwards, upwards with a world of the unknown in front of me.
PS Although I made to art college, albeit on the compromise of a 'sensible career' path, all I ever really wanted do was paint and make things. Perhaps one day I will upholster furniture and give up my laptop.
But there we go. We are expected to be able to predict what will make us happy in the future and set ourselves a course through life. It's a bit like sticking a pin in a map.
Somewhere along the way a plan emerged that looked something like this....
Leave school
Go to University
Work for a while, and achieve some things
Get married at 30
Kids at 35
I achieved the first two, but dropped out of an architecture degree at 20 and had to start another course. Not going to uni was not considered to be an option, and my mother enrolled me in my second degree course.
The third is a work in progress, and I have done well so far. My own business, a professional qualification, work that makes a difference, much satisfaction – all in a career I didn't even know existed ten years ago. I started out in the art world, lost my job in a company takeover and changed tack completely but it's worked out well.
And the last two? Who knows if those things will ever happen for me?
The nice thing about reaching the upper age limit on my list is that it can now be discarded. It's never been a rigid thing but has somehow lurked in the back of my mind over the years. Until recently, I had never considered what I was going to do past 35 or if I didn't have kids. I still don't know.
What I do know is that I can just get on with living my life without conforming to any agenda that was expected of me, I've been nagged about it often and it has made me feel like a failure on occasion. My mother and society have the ability to make a girl feel rotten about her status in the world. I know I can ignore it, but if someone asks you often enough about your lack of husband or passes opinion frequently, some of the doubts will sink in.
I will move onwards, upwards with a world of the unknown in front of me.
PS Although I made to art college, albeit on the compromise of a 'sensible career' path, all I ever really wanted do was paint and make things. Perhaps one day I will upholster furniture and give up my laptop.
Saturday, 13 February 2010
Electronic Etiquette
Events of the past couple of days have taken from me a decision I needed to think over, ticks No 4 off the 'to do list' http://learningtobeselfish.blogspot.com/2010/02/to-do-list.html
Very sadly the conversation about a possible end of a friendship has been conducted by instant messaging and email. Forums in which tone and understanding will always be lost to a significant degree. Frustratingly my request for 'space' was translated as 'do not contact me again', not only has this prompted hasty and unnecessary responses, and a simple request has been disrespected but it also means that any kind of meaningful conversation has been robbed from the situation. The use of the medium has wasted an opportunity for understanding and mutual respect leaving behind instead a shattered friendship, anger and poorly chosen words.
I love the internet, and facebook, blogging and the like but will it ever been acceptable to adopt these mediums as a replacement for common courtesy and face to face interaction? I don't think so. Sometimes there are messages that just cannot be conveyed electronically. People need to see and feel words from a real human being. There is no substitute.
Ending a friendship by email is vile, cowardly, wasteful and bad manners.
I have just left it be, because a war of electronic words will only result in two people vying for control and trying to be 'right', rather than actually listening with care in a way that compromise, or appreciation is possible. I was daft to engage in electronic comms in the first place, but I will not be complicit in engaging in this damaging game any further.
If I ever get to a place where I don't have the courtesy or guts to face my demons face to face, and I deliver a denouement by text or email, shoot me.
Very sadly the conversation about a possible end of a friendship has been conducted by instant messaging and email. Forums in which tone and understanding will always be lost to a significant degree. Frustratingly my request for 'space' was translated as 'do not contact me again', not only has this prompted hasty and unnecessary responses, and a simple request has been disrespected but it also means that any kind of meaningful conversation has been robbed from the situation. The use of the medium has wasted an opportunity for understanding and mutual respect leaving behind instead a shattered friendship, anger and poorly chosen words.
I love the internet, and facebook, blogging and the like but will it ever been acceptable to adopt these mediums as a replacement for common courtesy and face to face interaction? I don't think so. Sometimes there are messages that just cannot be conveyed electronically. People need to see and feel words from a real human being. There is no substitute.
Ending a friendship by email is vile, cowardly, wasteful and bad manners.
I have just left it be, because a war of electronic words will only result in two people vying for control and trying to be 'right', rather than actually listening with care in a way that compromise, or appreciation is possible. I was daft to engage in electronic comms in the first place, but I will not be complicit in engaging in this damaging game any further.
If I ever get to a place where I don't have the courtesy or guts to face my demons face to face, and I deliver a denouement by text or email, shoot me.
Thursday, 11 February 2010
Bad Dreams
Today I am unravelled a bit.
I am distracted by a situation I know I need to make a decision about. I have no clue what I truly want (or am afraid to admit it to myself), or even if I have to make a whole decision now when I could perhaps just throw my thoughts out there see what comes back.
I am so used to pleasing people that I don't know what I want. I know I need not to do what will please someone else, but look after me – it's just not so easy to do.
My dreams are plagued by strangeness, a manifestation of my addled brain disturbing my sleep. Last night's featured an overnight stay in a grand country house hotel for a wedding. I was with lots of friends, and my very grand bedroom (when they were all stuck in tiny turret rooms) was crawling with spiders which initially looked like they were part of the carpet's design. Horrid. I hate spiders.
Action or inaction, or even half an action? I can't move. I am frozen by it.
I am distracted by a situation I know I need to make a decision about. I have no clue what I truly want (or am afraid to admit it to myself), or even if I have to make a whole decision now when I could perhaps just throw my thoughts out there see what comes back.
I am so used to pleasing people that I don't know what I want. I know I need not to do what will please someone else, but look after me – it's just not so easy to do.
My dreams are plagued by strangeness, a manifestation of my addled brain disturbing my sleep. Last night's featured an overnight stay in a grand country house hotel for a wedding. I was with lots of friends, and my very grand bedroom (when they were all stuck in tiny turret rooms) was crawling with spiders which initially looked like they were part of the carpet's design. Horrid. I hate spiders.
Action or inaction, or even half an action? I can't move. I am frozen by it.
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