I haven't written here for long time. There are a bunch of posts in drafts from more recent years, but some I just couldn't face publishing so they will languish where they are.
However, I need somewhere to remind myself how I got here and to keep myself accountable.
Never again do I want to have the conversation with someone new about my bad habit. Never again do I want to feel so ashamed of myself.
It's like switch has flipped in my head. I suddenly see how pointless it all is. This stupid habit is potentially keeping me from the one thing I don't have just now that I would like - a relationship. This nice man has triggered thoughts in my head. How many other people have turned away from me over the years because of these habits? I don't know.
That evening I email my coach to ask for help setting some goals, order a nicotine replacement spray and some menthol toothpicks. I know what I need to do.
When I stopped smoking I phased out cigarettes over the course of a couple of weeks, until I just didn't want to smoke any more. I need to do the same again with the vape that replaced the cigarettes.
It worked then so I know what to do.
There were failed attempts over the years that all saw me fail in the end, gradually slipping up when out socialising or around other smokers until I had descended back into a full time habit again. This is the only time I've stopped and stuck to it because I didn't reply on will power and cold turkey. I made a plan.
I must tackle the vape the same way.
That awful conversation was five days ago. And, today is my first day that I've stayed clear of the vape completely.
The NRT spray makes my heart race, but it does what it needs to and the toothpicks keep my hands and my mouth busy when I fidget. It's enough that it allows the thought of vaping to pass.
I'm not stopping for the man, but because of him. His honesty and boundaries have left me feeling grateful to him for being willing to explain and for its impact on me.
One day at a time, I will do this.
