I am ashamed. On men and vaping.

 

I want to get to know you in a way I haven’t wanted to connect with anyone for a long time.

We speak by phone and video call. Two hours with someone I’ve only met online. It’s relaxed. It’s fun. We’re curious about each other.

We debate the big news of the day and find the threads between us. I am blind sided by the ease of this. I hate the phone as a social tool, usually.

We meet and it’s easy, too easy. Are you charming and practised at this? You’re intelligent, funny and braver than me. I blush like a schoolgirl as you flirt with me. Gentle jibes that let me know what you’re thinking. We over share and enjoy it.

None of this is my normal. As much as I’m social and friendly with most people, somehow you have me opening up in a way that comes with an unexpected ease I rarely experience. You make me a feel like the girl, and not the responsible professional I am every day. You’re curious about that too though.

I want someone again who can allow me to be me. Silly and serious.

It comes apart at the seams when you invite me out for the evening, direct and enthusiastic in your ask. There’s something I need to tell you first.

I am an ex-smoker. I tried hard for a long time not to smoke and finally, fully stopped when my ex moved out and covid moved in. Long days at home on my own gave me the perfect environment to quit. The terror of the early days of the pandemic was enough to frighten me into permanently stopping and I’ve never looked back.

Vaping occupied the space where smoking had once been. It’s a habit I don’t think about when I’m around people who don’t, but left to my own devices or the influence of others on a night out it’s there.

When I confess my bad habit, everything stops in its tracks. I leave you with a quandary and time to think. You’ve been lied to about this before and are rightly wary of ex-smokers who pretend they’re done with it – until alcohol is in play.

I am not one of those people, I haven’t lapsed. I’ve played that game before. But you’re right to be suspicious. And then the words come: “But most of all, I couldn't look my kids in the eye and tell them I was dating someone who vapes.”

The handsome, funny, interesting man is done. It’s fair. I wouldn’t date a smoker. I get it. I’m not going to try and persuade you. I cry. Damn it.

All I can feel is shame.