Mum very reluctantly apologised, and only after blaming me, buts and more buts. Excuses. I demanded an apology, no matter how many times she tried to change the conversation. I couldn't let it go. She has to take some responsibility for her behaviour, whatever the cause.
She has a minor crack in her spine after her fall. I am feeling very guilty and ashamed. She is the boy that cried wolf, and I stopped listening a long time ago.
I visited her in hospital this evening. She wants comfort and affection and I freeze. I am angry that my life has been taken over by my parents health. I resent it. Resent her. I cannot give her what she wants. I can do the practical stuff, but I struggle to feel anything other than angry towards her.
Like a child she cries or has a tantrum, and expects us to drop everything. When does she ever do this for me? I've stopped telling her when I'm upset about anything. She knows this. I refuse, cannot bring myself to do so. She'll only bring the conversation back to her. So, I've given up.
I wish it wasn't like this, but it is. I wish I didn't have two hospitals to visit.
"I cannot give her what she wants. I can do the practical stuff, but I struggle to feel anything other than angry towards her."
ReplyDeleteThough in our world of opposites mine is with my father, I totally relate and though I'm very sorry to hear you're going through this, its a bit of a relief in a way to know I'm not the only one. I tell myself guilt is a useless emotion, but its still a problem sometimes. And the anger doesn't feel much better. Very draining.
Hug.
Thanks Stacia. I'm sure it will get better. It's tough thing to love someone and be driven nuts by them at the same time.....Hope all ok your side of the pond x
ReplyDeletei struggle with wanting people to take responsibility a lot... it all stems, of course, from my history with my mother but it's so hard to feel entitled to that admission and apology from someone... it rarely comes in a useful or sincere way... i haven't learned how to not want that yet...
ReplyDeleteAs long aswe take responsibility for ourselves and our own actions, the rest, I think is all a bonus!
ReplyDelete