So now begins the cycle of guilt.
I feel guilty for leaving her.
I feel guilty that my sister got dragged in.
I feel guilty for being so angry with her.
I feel guilty for writing my last post. Surely I am a bad person for thinking and wirting such things about my mother....
So on, and so forth.
I want to make it better but I also want her to take responsibility for her part. Will I stand my ground? Or will my guilt eat away at my conscience until I succumb to it?
She is now in hospital.
I will visit my father in his hospital this but will I visit her? If I do not, I know that this will drag out further. If I do, I hand all the power back to her.
She will tell me she doesn't want to talk about it. She will tell me it was the drugs talking and it is not her fault.
She no longer behaves like a mother but like a petulant child. If I capitulate, which I inevitably will, she will do it all again at some point in the future. I am exhausted with it all.
in my experience, periods of no-contact after these really sore visits are the only way that i can sort of get right with things. it's hard but i've eventually learned to go back and see her and not let the hurtful things in too deeply... it takes practice though and my mother surely isn't the same situation as yours but it sounds awfully close (at times)... again, good luck coping. keep breathing and keep reminding yourself that mother or not, the bottom line is you must protect yourself and your life.
ReplyDeleteThank you Heather. Kinds words always appreciated,
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