I've never been very good at sitting still. I am a fidget.

The biggest challenge in all of this stopping vaping thing is when I'm at my desk.

I absolutely don't think about it when I'm with other people or I'm busy. But, it's filled a space that helps anchor me to my laptop when what I want is to be chatting with people, or outside, or moving.

I'm the kind of person who aimlessly folds crisp packets or ties paper hankies in knots. Having something to do with my hands without the vape to play with is a challenge.

I'm currently fidgeting with tooth picks. This, I think, is the thing I'm going to have most difficulty with.

Time for change

I haven't written here for long time. There are a bunch of posts in drafts from more recent years, but some I just couldn't face publishing so they will languish where they are.

However, I need somewhere to remind myself how I got here and to keep myself accountable.

Never again do I want to have the conversation with someone new about my bad habit. Never again do I want to feel so ashamed of myself. 

It's like switch has flipped in my head. I suddenly see how pointless it all is. This stupid habit is potentially keeping me from the one thing I don't have just now that I would like - a relationship. This nice man has triggered thoughts in my head. How many other people have turned away from me over the years because of these habits? I don't know.

That evening I email my coach to ask for help setting some goals, order a nicotine replacement spray and some menthol toothpicks. I know what I need to do.

When I stopped smoking I phased out cigarettes over the course of a couple of weeks, until I just didn't want to smoke any more. I need to do the same again with the vape that replaced the cigarettes.

It worked then so I know what to do.

There were failed attempts over the years that all saw me fail in the end, gradually slipping up when out socialising or around other smokers until I had descended back into a full time habit again. This is the only time I've stopped and stuck to it because I didn't reply on will power and cold turkey. I made a plan.

I must tackle the vape the same way.

That awful conversation was five days ago. And, today is my first day that I've stayed clear of the vape completely.

The NRT spray makes my heart race, but it does what it needs to and the toothpicks keep my hands and my mouth busy when I fidget. It's enough that it allows the thought of vaping to pass.

I'm not stopping for the man, but because of him. His honesty and boundaries have left me feeling grateful to him for being willing to explain and for its impact on me.

One day at a time, I will do this.

I am ashamed. On men and vaping.

 

I want to get to know you in a way I haven’t wanted to connect with anyone for a long time.

We speak by phone and video call. Two hours with someone I’ve only met online. It’s relaxed. It’s fun. We’re curious about each other.

We debate the big news of the day and find the threads between us. I am blind sided by the ease of this. I hate the phone as a social tool, usually.

We meet and it’s easy, too easy. Are you charming and practised at this? You’re intelligent, funny and braver than me. I blush like a schoolgirl as you flirt with me. Gentle jibes that let me know what you’re thinking. We over share and enjoy it.

None of this is my normal. As much as I’m social and friendly with most people, somehow you have me opening up in a way that comes with an unexpected ease I rarely experience. You make me a feel like the girl, and not the responsible professional I am every day. You’re curious about that too though.

I want someone again who can allow me to be me. Silly and serious.

It comes apart at the seams when you invite me out for the evening, direct and enthusiastic in your ask. There’s something I need to tell you first.

I am an ex-smoker. I tried hard for a long time not to smoke and finally, fully stopped when my ex moved out and covid moved in. Long days at home on my own gave me the perfect environment to quit. The terror of the early days of the pandemic was enough to frighten me into permanently stopping and I’ve never looked back.

Vaping occupied the space where smoking had once been. It’s a habit I don’t think about when I’m around people who don’t, but left to my own devices or the influence of others on a night out it’s there.

When I confess my bad habit, everything stops in its tracks. I leave you with a quandary and time to think. You’ve been lied to about this before and are rightly wary of ex-smokers who pretend they’re done with it – until alcohol is in play.

I am not one of those people, I haven’t lapsed. I’ve played that game before. But you’re right to be suspicious. And then the words come: “But most of all, I couldn't look my kids in the eye and tell them I was dating someone who vapes.”

The handsome, funny, interesting man is done. It’s fair. I wouldn’t date a smoker. I get it. I’m not going to try and persuade you. I cry. Damn it.

All I can feel is shame.