Tuesday 5 July 2011

Unloved

Sometimes I think I'm just meant to be on my own. It just seems that nothing ever quite fits when it comes to men.

Dad dying has brought how lonely I am into sharp focus. I am no-one's priority, and it makes me very sad.

Tonight I found myslef ouring a glass of wine, lighting my first cigarette in two days and browsing an online dating site where I dabbled a while ago. Then I started crying.

I keep trying, I keep letting myself be open to the potential and hurt. Time and time it just comes to nothing, and I wonder if I'm at a point where I should just accept that perhaps this is the way my life is meant to be. I am not sure I've got the energy to keep trying.

I appreciate that this may all sound very self indulgent and self pitying, but I just don't know how to play this particular game. Perhaps I am simply unlovable.

Even though it is mid summer, I put the heating on. I need sometimes to wrap myself in warmth when there is noone to hold me.

I question whether I should press 'publish' on this rambling. But, right now it's how I feel and this what this space was created for.....I may delete later when I decide that I shouldn't be so damned wallowing.....

3 comments:

  1. Of course you're lovable. You're also reeling from your loss and being hard on yourself

    ((hugs))

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  2. V…both me and my partner thought the same…that we were destined to be alone…on our own…she's been through a messy, upsetting divorce, after being alone in her marriage (the loneliest from of 'alone'?) for years…I was single for more years than I care to think about…but through a single stroke of luck, we met and are together, happy, thinking of the future…it can happen to anyone, even a couple of sad 40-somethings like us…don't give up hope...

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  3. Thanks for kind words folks. Sometimes, I just get frustrated. A proper response will follow in my next post.

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