Tuesday, 5 July 2011


Sometimes I think I'm just meant to be on my own. It just seems that nothing ever quite fits when it comes to men.

Dad dying has brought how lonely I am into sharp focus. I am no-one's priority, and it makes me very sad.

Tonight I found myslef ouring a glass of wine, lighting my first cigarette in two days and browsing an online dating site where I dabbled a while ago. Then I started crying.

I keep trying, I keep letting myself be open to the potential and hurt. Time and time it just comes to nothing, and I wonder if I'm at a point where I should just accept that perhaps this is the way my life is meant to be. I am not sure I've got the energy to keep trying.

I appreciate that this may all sound very self indulgent and self pitying, but I just don't know how to play this particular game. Perhaps I am simply unlovable.

Even though it is mid summer, I put the heating on. I need sometimes to wrap myself in warmth when there is noone to hold me.

I question whether I should press 'publish' on this rambling. But, right now it's how I feel and this what this space was created for.....I may delete later when I decide that I shouldn't be so damned wallowing.....


  1. Of course you're lovable. You're also reeling from your loss and being hard on yourself


  2. V…both me and my partner thought the same…that we were destined to be alone…on our own…she's been through a messy, upsetting divorce, after being alone in her marriage (the loneliest from of 'alone'?) for years…I was single for more years than I care to think about…but through a single stroke of luck, we met and are together, happy, thinking of the future…it can happen to anyone, even a couple of sad 40-somethings like us…don't give up hope...

  3. Thanks for kind words folks. Sometimes, I just get frustrated. A proper response will follow in my next post.