Wednesday, 14 April 2010


....I just wonder when it's going to be ok. When I am going to be ok?

Every time I get close I feel like I am being sucked back into a void where I don't really know who I am, dragged down by the priorities of others, by my morphine filled mother's illness, by the weekly losses endured by the relentless journey of my father's alzheimer's, by fears that paralyse me into inactivity, by one more man who fails to treat me with respect, by another hope dashed.

In theory, I know it's up to me to make me happy, but being a carer sucks so much of my energy, fighting with my demons and work do too. Sometimes there's not so much left over to give me the energy to try any harder.

Perhaps one day I will belive in me, and I will do more than exist.


  1. One day I'm sure you will look back on
    this period and realize that you coped
    with more than most people could.

    My father-in-law has Alzheimer's and
    the difficulties of dealing with the
    stresses of just one poorly parent is
    tremendous. To cope with two deserves
    some kind of medal.

  2. Thanks Vextasy. I'm no heroine, I brought myself here to deal with it all and sometimes I just need to figure out a better way, and sometimes I just need to let off steam.

    I really appreciate your kind words.