Friday, 30 October 2009

Friday night - Home alone and it's OK

Last weekend my sister's boyfriend chose to have a drunken rant at me for being wallowing and self pitying, prompted by me breaking a glass and being over apologetic.

I didn't recognise myself at all in the words coming from his mouth. Yes, I have rough ride over the past few years, and I have sought support from those around me. However, I've done my best to keep my head up, keep smiling, laugh it off, and not take the 'woe is me' position. Maybe I have been self pitying, and just not realised it. Have I?

There are times in my life, when under pressure, that I have have exploded. I am ashamed and horrified by them. I remember that gut wrenching feeling of losing control, not understanding what was happening to me, almost seeing myself from the outside, and the proverbial red mist descending.

This was not one of them.

I don't feel like that any more. Facing my life head on has dismantled the fear and anger that was once a tight fist in my chest.

I listened calmly while he ranted, asked questions when I didn't understand what he was saying, cried a little and then asked a friend to call me a taxi. I crumbled when I was outside in the rain and let the tears flow.

Tonight, I tried quietly and politely to ask if we could clear the air. I asked gently without blame or accusation. He ran away in childish huff. I left the pub. I had no wish to spend an evening in someone's company who would't talk to me.

Weirdly, I was quite pleased and proud. No anger. No red mist. I let it go, even though I was upset. I said what I needed to, I can't do anything else now.

One day, one incident, or problem or challenge at a time, I am proving to myself that I am OK. I have sunk as low as I could go, and have risen again. All that fear and anger has dissolved.

The stroppy toddler can take responsibility for himself. I've done my best. And a glass of wine and skype chat with my best friend in Dubai will do as well as the evening I had planned.


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  2. Thanks for stopping by and leaving a comment. Much appreciated. Enjoyed your story about being a 'nice' mum - what an accolade!

  3. Sorry 'Always a Mom' accidentally deleted your comment! It was very nice though...still not sure about how all this bit works....