Sunday, 12 September 2010

Trust: Reality and Blogging again

I've always written this anonymously. It's a private diary: a recording of days, feelings and memories that make up my journey. Part of me needs an outlet, writing lets me figure out what is going on in my head, to process , make decisions and find my voice. The other part of me wants to mark my way, like Hansel and Gretel dropping pebbles to leave a trail The path from here to there.

There are people who I've never met who have read my thoughts and moved on, others stop by leaving their words and drawing me into a community of sorts.

There are a few people in my real world who know how to find this place, none where I live. Three of them are amongst my closest girlfriends, and they are abroad, and I know won't judge. Two others I shared this with on a whim. One, an ex boyfriend, has read perhaps more than he'd like about himself over the months. Another is new and I've yet to discover if he'll ever stop by, remember how to find me here or keep this trust. Can he keep my secret? It makes me nervous. However, I must remember that this place is important to me, and mostly of little interest to others.

Sharing my blog presents two risks;

1.Someone will read about themselves and be unhappy. Some people would not want these stories told or like what they read. But, it's my place and my thoughts and I won't tailor events to suit the sensitivities of the reader. I need to do this.

2.By allowing in people I know in flesh and bone, I risk other people from my everyday life finding what is here – my secrets, anger or sadnesses. Is that so bad? Or, would I find myself editing the things I most need to scribble about? It takes things dangerously close to reality, and equally enables some folk to see the real person. Sometimes happy, sometimes reflective, sometimes angry and venting.
I don't trust so easily and sharing this takes me one step closer to opening up and showing the world who I am. Trust inherently involves risk, and it's something I need to learn to do. I want to be able to trust enough to continue to write freely.

It makes me feel very vulnerable.


  1. Sometimes the biggest security is by being open. Gays who are out the closet, for example, can never be blackmailed.

    I chose to be completely open about who I am on my blog for a number of reasons. One of them is that if people read it and decide they don't like me, then it's their problem, not mine. I didn't pretend to be anyone else.

    However, there are some things I cannot write about because I am not anonymous. These are things that affect me, but involve other people, and it is not my place to put their emotional traumas on view for everyone to see. In order for me to be as open as I am, I need to be trustworthy where others are concerned.

    There have been times when I have wished I had the freedom anonymity brings, but actually it's been quite rare.

    However, I know my approach would certainly not suit everyone.

  2. It's a strange one. I completely agree with your thoughts on being open. However, I'm only managing step by step, one person at a time, to share this place. What it does enable me to do is process.

    I can have a rant or a ramble here, finding out what it is I need to say out loud before I do. Most of it is totally innocuous. Some of it, only occasionally, is not....and those concerned would not want these tales to be shared.

    I still need a place where I can say whatever I like without considering the consequences!

    Trust goes both ways I guess. Your folk need to trust you not to speak of their woes. I need somewhere to speak mine. I'm generally far jollier in reality! But, through writing I'm learning a little of what it is to be vulnerable, and to share that elsewhere too....