Perhaps?

Perhaps I am changing, perhaps I am learning? Perhaps not?

It is fair to say that I am utterly confused. I met man a few weeks ago who is sweet and kind and gentle. Everything I’d like a man to be. But it leaves me feeling very strange. I don’t know what to do with his affection and kindness. There is no challenge, no disaster on the horizon and I am left feeling completely at sea.

He is the things I would like, but I just don’t know how to work with these differences. I know what to do with a rogue, or an unattainable man, or a man who needs fixing. I also know that these will always fall to pieces. I set myself up for failure. This time I have set myself up for success and I don’t know what to do! But then again there is geography which could create disaster. As he falls towards me, I push back. I want him, but I don’t know how to be. Or do I simply like the idea of him?

He is talented, musical, clever, patient, ordinary. He is not handsome, but still he is attractive.

I do not want to lead him on, promising something or someone I don’t know how to be. I do not know why I have chosen another man who does not live where I do. I can speculate, but can’t pin it down. I can’t also breakdown my feelings, behaviour or confusion. Find its root. Recognise it. Challenge it. Do something, anything, different. Give him and me the chance to be something special.. There remains two constants. Firstly, that he feels like someone important. Secondly, that nagging question about long distance. I have been burned before because of it. Can I let myself just go wherever the road takes us and stop worrying about the consequences? I don’t know.

My lodger is staying another month. The extra cash is nice. Loss of my space, and fiddle playing, bathing, pottering, hostess-ing time is not. Is it worth it?

I am left grumpy, listless and lost with it all.