Thursday, 11 February 2010

Bad Dreams

Today I am unravelled a bit.

I am distracted by a situation I know I need to make a decision about. I have no clue what I truly want (or am afraid to admit it to myself), or even if I have to make a whole decision now when I could perhaps just throw my thoughts out there see what comes back.

I am so used to pleasing people that I don't know what I want. I know I need not to do what will please someone else, but look after me – it's just not so easy to do.

My dreams are plagued by strangeness, a manifestation of my addled brain disturbing my sleep. Last night's featured an overnight stay in a grand country house hotel for a wedding. I was with lots of friends, and my very grand bedroom (when they were all stuck in tiny turret rooms) was crawling with spiders which initially looked like they were part of the carpet's design. Horrid. I hate spiders.

Action or inaction, or even half an action? I can't move. I am frozen by it.


  1. For what its worth, my first impression on reading your dream (since you hate spiders) is that either you had/are getting something you don't feel you deserve or you feel that something that looks good is actually a trap - which may play into the figuring out what you want thing. Something that "should" be good would really be a horrid situation for you personally.

    As a recovering people pleaser myself I sympathize. You probably really do know what you want, you just don't yet know that you're allowed to have it. Maybe try imagining each of your options in turn and paying close attention to how you feel with each one? When I first started doing this, I couldn't allow myself to feel good about any of my options so I had to go with "less bad." Backhanded, but it worked.

  2. Stacia,

    You are absolutely spot on re my dream. You have petty much descrisbed the situaion as is.

    I wrote this last night before a pretty painful conversation, and subsquent exhange. I knew I needed to make a decision and needed time to do that.

    Today I am furious because it has been taken out of my hands in a childish manner. So, once again I'm denied an opportunity to figure it out for myself. Control taken from me.

    All the more painful because it was someone I trusted, someone who has seen me at my most vulnerable (and unlike your lovely oher half of your own post last night)and I thought understood,or at least accpeted me, has instead rejected and abandoned me.

    All of a sudden I am back in the playground, hiding from bullies and taunting, and not knowing who I can trust, who I can feel safe with. I am that small, fat, ugly, scared child with the ridiculous name.


  3. I'm good, thank you! I emailed you with a reply.

  4. Thank you. I'm just angry. Friendships should never be ended by email.