Wednesday, 26 October 2011


On Sunday night I came home and typed. I typed because it's what I do when my head's too full of spinning thoughts that need straightened out. When I sit down to do this, I rarely know what's going to come. I need to unravel the threads, to clarify.

I go through fits and starts. Unlike many other bloggers, I don't write regularly for an audience, I write for me. If someone finds this place and reads, responds then so be it.

There are a very few 'real' folk who know where this place is.

When the hard things come along, I'm better at typing than I am at saying the words out loud.

On Monday morning I asked a question of the man a wrote about on Sunday night. Why? I'm not certain.

I wrote my last post to him, because it was what was in my head after a conversation that wasn't easy, had no hope of conclusion, and is likely to remain so. It then dawned on me that he may still know where this place is, having seen it once before. Did he still know how to find it?

Last night he told me he didn't, he had tried and failed to find his way back here. I'd opened the proverbial can, and today I sent the link. I'm still not sure why I did when it makes me so vulnerable and when I could have just let it drift.

Will there be consequences? I don't know.

There are risks. I doubt he'll break the confidence because by doing so, he'd be vulnerable too. The risks are exposing myself and making him upset that I have written about him. I could hide it all, but I can't un-think thoughts or re-write history. And, I don't want to.

The benefits? Well, at least it's honest. I have told my story. Perhpas he will see the good in these words, if they are read.

Do I trust him? Yes.

Do I know how he'll respond? I have absolutely no idea.

Do I regret pressing 'send'? I don't know yet.

He is a clever man, a kind man, a creative man. I think he may just understand that sometimes I struggle to say words out loud, despite my constant chatter. And, that there are other ways of expressing what fills our thoughts and souls.

The deed is done, and only time time will tell. Opening up just freaks me out a little...

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