Sunday, 19 June 2011


I've not been here much over the last three weeks.Somehow, since Dad died, I just haven't felt like writing much. I will be back but, in the meantime, please bear with me.....

Saturday, 4 June 2011

Where to begin again?

The past week has been really odd, and today is even stranger. After a week of crying and organising, today is an ordinary everyday sort of a day and don't know quite what to do with myself. After keeping going through the horrible last few weeks, it's over. There are some details and practical things, like collecting ashes and dealing with lawyers, still to be done but there's a big gap.

It's a Dad sized gap which means we are at the end of nearly four years of a 6pm hospital visiting routine. I'm feeling oddly guilty just sitting here and doing nothing.

The thing I've found strangest about Dad dying is realising how kind and generous our friends are, and making myself accept that kindness. There are people who've stepped up and been here who I am humbled by. A friend drove more than 200 miles yesterday to come to the funeral of a man she'd never met. She was there for me. It's one of the nicest things anyone has ever done for me and I am so very grateful.

I also realise that over the past few years I've probably been a pretty hopeless friend. I've been caught up in the demands of my family with little energy left. That will now change.

So, here I sit questioning if I can face the house warming party of a friend and thinking I must, as he found the time to be at my father's funeral.

I know much of my grieving has been done over these weeks, months and years of gradual losses. I learned how to miss my father a long time ago. However, the adrenaline crash has come and I am flat and tearful. Exhausted by a seven year long journey that has been so very difficult and I am left wondering what I will replace it with.