Saturday, 22 May 2010

A little composure

Ok, time to pull myself together and and acknowledge that a panic is simply that and it will pass. It is passing, helped very much by the wise and kind words of others who have taken the time to share with me. Thank you. You know who you are!

I am nervous about seeing him. But, I am seeing him tomorrow.

The last night we spent together pressed too many of my buttons It was not his fault but simply what goes on my head. Old wounds twinging and sending me into a tail spin.

When I saw him last weekend, we had both had other commitments and met at his house afterwards, taking advantage of me being in the same city for the evening. It was lovely, but come Sunday morning it felt like some kind of 'booty call' (for want of a better phrase!!). We hadn't spent the evening together, just the night. Albeit he'd made efforts to plan a lovely breakfast and we enjoyed a lazy morning.

It put me right back to that place of feeling that 'something is better than nothing', that devalues me, where I allow myself to accept crumbs from the table, where I allow myself to be led on because I don't feel like I don't deserve any better. I know this is a fallacy, but it takes me huge efforts to remind myself that I am not that person any more.

None of it is helped by me recently allowing an ex to take advantage me (there is only so often you can brush someone off, knowing it is dangerous territory, when the their words and actions make you feel wanted and attractive), lead me on, and ultimately destroy our friendship. He knew my weaknesses and disregarded them all. What's worse is that I let him, even apologising for being angry with him when I had every right to be.

David has done nothing wrong. There was absolutely no evidence to suggest that I was only there to entertain him, but that sinking feeling overwhelmed me and I tried to remain composed but succeeded only achieving an odd mood, which he picked up on. I was so pissed off and shocked at my reaction to it all that I cried all the way home in my car. I wasn't upset with him, but at all the situations in my past that had led me to that place.

I apologised by text when I got home for being a bit odd, and told him that there's perhaps some stuff I need to share with him next time. That time has come. The time where I let him see what's on the inside and hope that he finds something he likes. At least I will be honest and allow myself to be vulnerable. This will be a huge achievement no matter the outcome.

Wish me luck....


  1. Really, it makes such a difference to be going through this with awareness (rather than just reacting and being at the mercy of one's feelings.) And you sound so strong. Sending you good wishes and a virtual hug.

  2. Hope things go well for you today - I'm sure they will. A guy who plans a good breakfast and lazy morning, is a man who has "staying" on his mind, and is not just thinking with his trousers.

    Something I would mention however, is in response to your line "where I allow myself to be led".

    We are led when either
    a) the person we're following has a damn good idea and we want to buy into it;
    b) we don't know what we want, so go along with it because we can't think of an alternative; or
    c) we have our own ideas, but don't feel confident enough to suggest or implement them.

    If we want to feel more in control of our lives, then we have to make things happen, to prove that we can.

    What would you like to do with David (today, next week, next year)? Decide what you want and make something happen. You will feel a hundred times batter about yourself :)

  3. I just wanted to add that I loved your title for this post. Funny how sometimes a few well chosen words can encapsulate so much.