Sunday, 27 December 2009


Last night I went to bed exhausted. Ready for sleep. I couldn't find it.

My busy brain unable to focus on the radio's soothing tones from the world service. The last time I remember looking at the clock it was 5.20am. Not so good. Too many thoughts running round my head and competing for attention. I don't know how to set them free.

I'd seen two of my oldest friends, their partners and children. They've been in our home town for Christmas. I love them all, and miss them. Seeing them makes me sad too.

At what point did our lives go in such different directions? We shared so many rites of passage, but somehow along the way our paths diverged. I am happy for them, but envy what they have. They've found love and families, they're creating new memories and traditions. I am treading water.

I live my life as best I can, making the most of my independence and freedom, embracing new challenges and opportunities. It all feels rather like a charade. Meetings like yesterday's are happy occasions. I love seeing their kids and I love that I am god mother to one of them. Returning home to my empty flat feels exactly that, empty. I don't know how to fix it.

Sadness, loss and unmet desires kept my brain whirring and sleep at bay. Today I must do something that makes me happy.

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