Tuesday, 30 November 2010

Trying very hard to be selfish

The lodger is carting his boxes out into the hall. I've been working at home today, so I can't escape him. I'm really struggling not to go and help. Every bone in my body wants to go and help him, and I know it's not what I want to do. I always rescue birds with broken wings. I find it incredibly difficult to put me, and what I need first, and when I do it seems to come back and bite me.

He has created this situation. I must remind myself that I did not do this. I did not make this happen. He must take responsibility for the consequences of his decision. I must not rescue him, even if it is just to help lift and carry. Or should I help? I don't know.

I am so angry and confused about the whole thing.

Phew! Decision has been made for me. He has help.
I still end up apologising.

The Lodger Departs

I have lived with around eighteen or so people in shared flats over the years, three as lodgers here. The majority remain amongst my friends. There have been good times, arguments, disasters and all sorts but I have never before felt completely uneasy with a housemate.

After less than two weeks of being here Stephen is leaving. I am relieved. I have been an exile from my own home, as the thought of being alone with him was so uncomfortable.

I could deal with the stuff everywhere, with his strange habits and weird smells but what I hated was the day he asked me if I knew the 'Truth'. He is a conspiracy theorist. He believes that 9/11 bombings were an American plot. He believes that the world is about to be taken over by a small elite group, and we will all become slaves to a new system. And on, and on....
The thing that brought it all to an end was his extreme response to a simple household request. I had bitten my tongue about so much and didn't mind, but asked him to do one thing and it turned into a stream of accusations. Accustions that were delivered as questions. Questions there was no good repsonse to. This is my home, and I can't live with someone whose actions make me feel vulnerable.

With him being a psychotherapist, I thought he'd be a balanced, calm rational sort of person to have around the house. Instead what it does seem to mean is that he's very good at manipulating a conversation and maintaining his cool. I've never, ever argued with someone so soon after moving in with them. And it's been a long time since the last. I am still shocked.

I can't pin all of this madness on him, can I? I must have played my part. Perhaps I wasn't clear enough about the arrangements here, or what he could expect from me.

He is selfish. He takes no responsibility for himself, and everything can be blamed on someone else.

He has no sense of humour, and that makes life very troublesome indeed.

He is going tonight and I am glad.

I am looking forward to feeling safe and having an ordinary night, alone.

Monday, 22 November 2010


I have a new lodger, a friend of a friend, and I don't quite know what to make of him. In his early to mid forties, he's an intense sort of a guy. A former psychotherapist who's decided to give up the rat race.

He's suspicious of government, systems, taxes and the like. If you don't pay tax, who pays for your medical care or for the roads to be fixed? Surely we're all in this together? I don't doubt that many systems in our world are corrupt, but rejecting them all seems impractical to me. Surely we have a collective responsibility?

I digress....

He's got ME, and I can sympathise with that having had an oft named and unresolved fatigue type illness/condition/whatever in my very early twenties. He doesn't work and has just sold his house in the south, with an ambition to move abroad and live a self sustaining life.

He seems to be a believer in the alternative medicine sphere. And, why not? If something helps you feel better, whatever it is, then we must all do what is right for us.

I just don't know what to make of him. My previous lodgers have been friends or weekday residents. But, he'll be here full time for the next two to six months. The extra cash is nice, although losing my space will be a challenge.

I am a broad minded person, whose life and career are not founded on the material or selfish. Part of me admires his goals of an alternative life, but the other part of me values the society and community I am part of and recognises her need of some home comforts and frivolity. I try not to judge the choices of others.

I think it's good for me to have someone else around. Living alone is a very self indulgent way to exist and really rather too nice! Reminding myself how to share my space and compromise can only be good practice for when the time comes when I finally find someone to rub along with permanently.

In the meantime my flat feels like a health food shop. There are aromatherapy oils and weird food supplements in the fridge whose names I cannot pronounce.

Have I let the right person into my home?

Tuesday, 9 November 2010

The World Over

Although I've had a site meter gadget installed on my blog for a long time now, I don't look at it as often as I might. It's only the introduction of blogger's stats page that's highlighted recently where most of my visitors come from.

In the last month I've had visitors from Russia, Afghanistan, Congo, Spain, Canada and so on. It amazes me that people stop by from the world over.

I have two people to thank for bringing the majority of visitors here.

First of all there's Kim Ayres who listed me amongst the blogs he follows. I love his list, it's like a library to be dipped in and out of. There's always someone with something interesting to say. Kim himself writes beautifully on a diverse range of subjects and shares his photography over at Ramblings of the Bearded One.

And secondly there is Charles C. Finn. A poet, and someone I know nothing about! But other folk must do, as his words are the highest source of traffic because I once quoted him in a post. You can read the whole piece here. I often wonder what is going through the minds of those who search the internet with these words.
Thanks to all who do for stopping by. I amazed and humbled by the corners of the world that gather here from time to time.